Hi lovebug,

One of the phrases I say on REPEAT in my client sessions is this:

You teach people how to treat you.

My clients hear it so much they repeat it back to me.

I say it so often because my clients are often working on self love, self esteem, boundaries, clear communication and deep trust in themselves.

And so, undoubtedly, they have challenging people in their lives pushing all their buttons to help them learn these skills and grow.

(it’s so fun when that happens)

Do you have someone in your life who pushes your buttons?

Do you have someone who disrespects you or talks over you or doesn’t value you or your time?

Do you have someone who makes you feel drained instead of lit up?

Do you interact with someone who expects you to give endlessly to them without any authentic gratitude?

I’m going to say it again here: You teach people how to treat you.

[Important sidebar: There are some people who will never learn - no matter how much you attempt to teach them - how to treat you well. In those scenarios, consider whether the relationship is worth it for you to continue. Only you can decide.]

If someone talks over you, and you allow it, you’re teaching them that it’s OK.

If someone interrupts you or discredits you, and you allow it, you’re teaching them that that’s acceptable.

If someone takes and takes and takes everything you give, and you keep on giving and never say anything, you’re teaching them that you’re cool with that.

The trick is to recognize the habit. And there's one clear way to do that.

PAY ATTENTION to how you FEEL in the MOMENT.

If you bring your boyfriend a sandwich for lunch at work and he mutters “Thanks,” opens the sandwich, takes a bite and then gets on his phone and ignores you, how does that make you FEEL?

If you show up for a friend through crisis after crisis, but when you need her support, she’s suddenly not available, how does that make you FEEL?

If your coworker constantly interrupts you in meetings and never lets you finish a sentence, how does that make you FEEL?

If the answer is: It makes me feel bad, then it’s time to teach that person how to treat you differently.

And honestly babe, it may feel like you’re having to say things that these folks should already know—but they don’t—so you need to teach them.

To the boyfriend, “Hey, would you mind putting your phone away? I brought you lunch so we could have some time together.”

To the friend: “Hey, I really need someone to talk to right now. Do you have the bandwidth for a friend date?"

To the coworker: (this one is a little different because the workplace is not a bastion of emotional safety) – I would actually just keep talking when she interrupts you or say, “I’d like to finish my thought here so I don’t lose it.”

Now, if any of these folks continue to mistreat you after you asked explicitly for things to be different, you get to make the next choice.

Does the situation require a more focused conversation? (with the boyfriend, you could say you’ve felt ignored lately and is something going on?)

Does the situation require less of your time and attention? (with the friend, if she’s proven that she can’t show up for you, you can decide whether you have bandwidth to keep showing up for her)

Does the situation require outside help? (with the coworker, if the situation gets really bad, do you need to talk to a boss or HR?)

There’s more to this topic. We’ll get into it in part two.

Stay tuned,

Rebecca*

PS: If you think that speaking up for yourself and asking for what you want is hard, you’ll want to check out my Done-for-You package. It’s an excellent way to let go of those fears in a fast and effective way. Check it out here.