Hi lovebug,

I grew up in a family where my parents modeled being of service as an important value.

My dad, in addition to his work in sales, has been a volunteer of some stripe for as long as I can remember. My mom worked as a hospice social worker. Consequently (and probably not consciously) one of my sisters became a nurse, the other a teacher and I’ve done all different kinds of jobs where service was the cornerstone of the work I did. 

However —

I think it’s important to note that it’s wonderful to be of service and not take on the identity of being a martyr. 

A martyr is where being of service is taken too far.

Being a martyr can look like putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own and you end up abandoning yourself. 

A martyr can do too much for others and then feel resentful that no one thanks them for the work they’ve done. (even if no one asked them to do that work)

A martyr can operate from a fear of abandonment and can think that they’re being loving when actually they’re trying to control other people through their actions.

It’s risky business, yo. 

A LOT of people have been raised in an environment where one or more of their caretakers showed up with martyr energy. 

When you’re raised by a martyr, it can be easy to start to operate like a martyr with your own family, at work, with volunteer organizations, with friends… so I’m going to give you some suggestions on how to show up differently.

I’m going to suggest you show up as a queen. 

Now I love encouraging more women to step into the archetype of the queen, not just because I believe our world is desperately ready to be run by women, but also because I believe that queen energy is our natural state. 

You don’t have to be a certain age to step into your queen energy. You don’t have to be in charge of anything - other than your own life - although many of us ARE responsible for households, businesses, departments, organizations. And you don’t have to necessarily FEEL like a queen (just yet) to act like one. 

In my mind, queen energy is kind, patient, just, thoughtful, wise, and regulated. 

Queen energy also will not tolerate disrespect, violence, cruelty, unfairness, or chaos. 

A queen respects, values, cherishes and cares for HERSELF, first and foremost. 

The energy she brings TO HERSELF is the energy that emanates FROM HER.

When you show up to a business meeting with queen energy, everyone can relax and look to you for guidance and leadership, but you are not there to DO everything (that’s martyr energy). You are there to hold space, to guide and to lead the people who will do the work in a kind, patient, thoughtful and regulated manner. 

People will feel your energy, they will subconsciously read the way you think of yourself and they will respond IN KIND.

A martyr will rush to be everyone’s servant.

A queen knows that everyone plays their part, including her, in the divine order. 

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Ooof. I’m definitely overgiving and getting angry because no one respects or thanks me for the work that I do.” 

Well that is AWESOME. 

NOW YOU KNOW that you’re operating from martyr energy instead of from queen energy. 

Now you know that people will only value you to the degree that YOU value you. 

^{*I’ll give you a minute to get some water so you can swallow that tough pill*}

If you’re being dismissed, what energy are you in? Queen or martyr?

If you’re being talked down to, are you operating from a place of regulated confidence (queen) or a place of dysregulated neediness (martyr)? 

Keep an eye on how people treat you and THEN TAKE A MINUTE TO ASK: How am I treating myself? How am I talking to myself? How am I thinking of myself? 

Tell me (and you can definitely reply to this email) - did you grow up in a martyr or a queen household? Which energy do you feel like you inhabit most of the time? 

One of my FAVORITE ways to get out of dysregulated neediness is with an Emotion Code® session. If you haven’t done one yet or if you’re interested in knocking out some big emotions, you can do a single session here. 

I know not everyone can swing a package, but I still want you to be able to experience how helpful this work can be. Book your single session here. 

Until next time lovebug,

Rebecca* 

PS: Do you know someone who would benefit from this email? Send it to them! It could be exactly the insight they need right now. Thank you. ~ Rebecca*